Fine
by Basscop69
Summary: Blair's eating disorder - pre-pilot. Please read and review?
1. Chapter 1

Their parents were downstairs.

Nate and Blair had been excused to go up to his room.

He showed her his latest soccer trophy, and she smiled not just with pride (though she could care less about soccer) but with delight that he'd _wanted_ to show her.

She loved Nate when he was like this, laughing and warm and affectionate, hugging her and squeezing her hand and ruffling her hair (and she didn't even mind that he might have displaced her headband), looking down at her with his shining hair falling into those blue eyes.

Looking at her like she was special and his. It made her glow from the inside and giggle back.

It stopped the emptiness, made her think that maybe, just maybe she might be nearly enough. Like she belonged to him, and she could nestle into him without worrying about being too much; he didn't even shrug her off.

He started kissing her instead, smiling down at her.

His lips were warm and he smelt clean and fresh cut, like soap, and his sweater was soft.

Sometimes he tasted too sweet, like weed, and she wriggled away when he did because then his eyes were hazy and he didn't look at her with love but indifferent confusion, and his hands were almost clumsy, and he didn't really notice either way.

But now he was warm and clear-gazed, and stroking her hair as they moved to the bed.

He was happy because he'd won his soccer match, and she was happy to be included.

It was when his hand shifted from its usual chaste position, to her breast, that she froze.

Because Nate had never touched her there.

He looked down at her and smiled, kissing her gently, not noticing.

But his hand was heavy on her and she didn't want it there, and she was suddenly terrified.

Because she was all too aware of the fact that there was almost nothing for him to grasp. Pathetically small, even through the material of her dress.

And if he went _under_ the material...she shivered at the thought of what he'd find.

She'd seen for herself in the mirror. The results on the scales showed success, reassuring in the blank, perfectly formed numbers.

But in the mirror, things became hideously disproportionate and bones could be felt, and it all looked wrong. Not quite what she'd been striving for. For some reason, still not perfect.

It was fine when she could cover it up with layers of immaculate clothes and flawless hair and make up, with heels that made her commanding.

It was fine when Nate hugged her to his warm strong body, or his arm wrapped round her waist over her coat.

Fine when he cupped her face to kiss her.

But now his hands were sliding down there, feeling there, and she suddenly felt horribly exposed and trembly, like he was too big for her and he could throw her away or crush her - or, worse, take one look and recoil, looking at her with the same revulsion she felt when she saw herself too.

So she tried to squirm away from him.

He looked at her, confused.

"Nate," she forced out tightly. "I'm not a slut like Serena."

His mouth went open in shock.

But it was all she could think of to say, because she _wasn't_ like Serena. She didn't have Serena's perfect body and glowing tanned skin and golden hair and full breasts.

That was what guys wanted, not _her. _

"Don't say that," he frowned. "Serena's your best friend, Blair."

She straightened her dress, carefully tugging it over her body again. Lest anything be given away.

"I want to wait," she said stiffly, prickling now. Because now he was looking at her like he was almost offended, still confused.

Insulting Serena. Mistake number one.

"I want it to be special," she stated.

"Oh." He just shrugged. Rubbed his hair. "All right then."

He let go of her, and all his warmth withdrew.

They sat in silence for a moment on his bed, and he'd never felt further away from her.

"Well, I'm gonna go play Halo."

"Fine," she bit.

He stood up, and left.


	2. Chapter 2

"B!"

Serena rushed up to her, a whirlwind of blonde hair, and threw her arms around her. Exuberant as ever.

Blair laughed, hugging her back, careful to slip away before Serena hugged too hard and noticed anything, even though she loved Serena's hugs.

"What is it, S?"

"Pool party!"

Blair stared at her for a second, a slow feeling of panic beginning.

Pool. Bikini.

She'd thought she was fine because it was still winter.

"What?" She tried to buy time.

"The captain of the swim team," Serena giggled. "Greg. He's hosting a private party in the school pool, and guess who got us invited!"

Blair smiled weakly. "You."

"Yes! It's gonna be amazing!" She waggled her eyebrows. "Open bar. Hot guys."

Neither of which Blair wanted.

Alcohol had started to terrify her. She'd had a glass of champagne, coaxed and pushed by Serena, in Chuck's limo. And it had made her lose control.

Chuck had looked at her oddly, knowing she'd barely even finished her glass - because, dammit, Chuck never missed anything - but luckily, Serena had been drunk enough herself to just laugh and tease her for being a lightweight, and Nate had joined in.

Blair was careful to drink next to nothing after that.

Out of control was not what she wanted.

And if she had alcohol, it meant skipping a day of eating, because everyone knew how many calories alcohol had, and sometimes going for that long with nothing made her control slip ever so slightly, just for a brief moment of wobbly room and faintness.

And she had to be careful. Had to be in control.

As long as she had control, she was fine.

"Sounds great," Blair muttered. She forced a smile, and Serena beamed.

"Ok, I gotta run." She rolled her eyes. "I'm meant to be in detention and I'm already like twenty minutes late." She giggled. "Mr Pieser's gonna kill me."

Blair smiled and said bye.

Great. Now she needed an excuse.

And it had to be a good one, because skipping a party was pathetic.

* * *

**Thank you for your reviews! I promise the story will pick up after this c****hapter..**.


	3. Chapter 3

"What about you, Archibald?" Carter drawled with a smirk. "You must be getting a lot."

Chuck sensed Nate shift.

"No," he muttered.

Carter laughed. "Please. I thought you'd been with your girlfriend since you were in diapers? You can't tell me she doesn't put out."

Nate drew on his spliff, almost uneasy under the older boy's gaze.

"No, she doesn't." He looked at Chuck for confirmation. "I mean, this is _Blair_ we're talking about."

Chuck grinned, but there was fondness underneath it.

"Snow White herself," he agreed.

Carter looked almost intrigued.

"Then what the hell are you doing with her?" he laughed. "If she's a frigid bitch, it's not like she's got much else going for her."

Chuck raised an eyebrow. "Have you seen how hot she is?" he enquired, annoyed. Everything Carter did was starting to get to him. Including his stupid smirk.

Carter just snorted. "Nah, she's too small." He didn't need to gesture to refer what he was talking about. "Seriously, Archibald. The little virgin thing might be cute, but let's be honest. She's uptight, frankly dull, and probably doesn't have a clue what sex even is. Why are you keeping her around?"

Nate frowned. The weed was taking it's effect.

He turned to Chuck, helpless.

Chuck rolled his eyes. "Firstly, money marries bigger money." Enough said. "Secondly, Waldorf is hilarious, and, most importantly, having that level of perfection saved for you-" he inhaled his smoke, smirking, "-Is hot."

Nate looked relieved.

"Yeah." He nodded, going back to his own joint. "And she's cute." He paused. "You know, when she's not being a bitch. Or freaking out."

Chuck smirked again, because the bitchiness and freak outs were what _made_ her cute.

"Speaking of," he nodded, noting her unmistakable figure on the other side of the road.

She was either coming from, or going to, the sports fields - surprisingly, without Serena or the circle of minions she usually surrounded herself with.

Carter looked at her, at the way her figure had hardly filled out, and thought again that Nathaniel Archibald must have replaced brain cells with weed. Freshmen.

Nate looked at her, and saw through hazy eyes what Carter had pointed out, that she really was a bit small and, well, sort of lacking. But she _was_ pretty cute, especially when she was on the other side of the road, and not able to tell him off for smoking or cutting class. And she was his girlfriend, he reminded himself. Always had been.

Chuck looked at her, and instead of smirking at the familiar sight that was Waldorf in her uniform, headband and all (one of his favourite sights), he narrowed his eyes, catching something not right.

Something he'd caught a few times now, just at odd moments, and he'd seen Serena catch too, seen her shake off, step around.

Because Chuck Bass was anything if not observant.

The white blouse was thin material, and, when it made him frown, Chuck realised it was probably the first time in a while she hadn't been covered up with her coats or cardigans.

Maybe it was that. Or maybe it was the wind that seemed to cut right through her, whipping her hair off her back and nearly knocking her off her feet.

Because Blair Waldorf looked too small.

She'd always looked a little like a china doll, but Chuck had never been afraid of breaking her, because that gleam in those brown eyes told a different story.

So now it made no sense that the wind alone looked like it might snap her.

"Waldorf," he called out to her.

Nate looked at him, eyes wide. "Dude," he hissed. "Why'd you do that?"

Carter laughed lazily.

Then she fainted.


	4. Chapter 4

"Serena's on her way," Nate informed them, hanging up his cell.

Blair was conscious again, just.

His eyes met Chuck's over her head. "I don't understand. What happened?"

Carter snorted, leaning against the wall. He hadn't bothered getting rid of his spliff.

"Obviously, your little girlfriend needs a sandwich."

Nate looked even more confused. "What?"

"Nothing," Chuck interjected, giving Carter a look of pure ice.

He didn't _want_ Carter here, leaning against the wall and looking at one of his best friends with such obvious disinterest. He was unwelcome, an intruder spitting on Blair's secrets.

Chuck had once almost admired - actually aspired to be like - Carter Baizen.

Partying, drugs, girls.

Which was all well and good, but recently he had started to hate the older boy. Whether he supplied their weed or not.

Chuck Bass did not like being looked down on or scorned by anyone. He loathed the way Carter treated them all like little kids. Treated Nate like he was an idiot, and Nate didn't even notice, leered at Serena, and laughed at Blair.

"You know what? Why don't you go back outside and finish your joint, Baizen. I'd hate for you to get caught."

Carter looked down at him, eyes narrowing, sensing the challenge.

Bass had been trouble for quite a while now.

The younger boy just glared back at him, dark gaze unwavering.

Eventually, Carter smirked and shook his head.

"Whatever. It's not like I want to waste my time on anorexic virgins anyway."

And he sauntered off.

Nate blinker after Carter. Then he was staring at Chuck, brow furrowed, then back to Blair as it clicked.

"What? Anorexic?" He ran a hand through his hair. "But, she's not-"

He stared at this girlfriend. "I mean, that's ridiculous. Blair, you're not-"

"Nathaniel." Chuck stopped him, giving him a look. "Cool it."

But Blair had heard, and she was struggling to sit up, shaking her head, eyes wild.

Nate just stared at her in disbelief.

"No, no, he's lying. They're lying...Nate, I'm not, I swear..." she could hardly get the words out, but there she went, forcing herself up, forcing a smile, however weak. "Nate...sweetie...I'm not. You said it yourself, that's...ridiculous..."

Her voice trailed off as her eyes fluttered again; she'd sat up too quickly, forced herself too much, and Chuck had to catch her, pushing her back against the seat before she passed out again, silencing her.

And then, thank God, they heard the clattering heels and Serena appeared, breathless, in a rush of gold.

"I got here as fast as I could," she panted. "What-"

Then she stopped as she saw Blair, semi-conscious between the two of them, and her hand went to her mouth.

"B," she whispered, and then she was at her best friend's side, pushing the others away, gripping the brunette's hand.

"B, what's going on?"

Blair closed her eyes. "_Nothing_, I told you. I'm _fine_."

"No," Serena murmured. "No, you're not."

And then she pulled her to her feet, ignoring her faint protests, wrapping her arm around her waist.

Blair faltered and Chuck moved wordlessly to her other side. Nate followed, slowly.

"We're going to the nurse."

"No," Blair whimpered. "No...told you I'm _fine, _I'm fine, ok?"

Serena and Chuck carried her along, ignoring her, and she kept trying weakly to get away.

"Please, S...please don't."

She was turning to Serena now, and only she and Chuck could hear her.

"Please...I'll stop, ok? I will. I just...made a...mistake, and it went...too far, today...but I learned my lesson, and now I'm _fine_."

And, when that didn't work, she started crying.

"Please, S. They'll tell Eleanor. They'll tell my mom...and they'll tell _daddy_, and I can't, they can't...please, please, just-"

Serena was nearly in tears now too, but she carried on.

"Blair, we're taking you to the nurse. Now."

She stopped, holding the other girl's face, gazing down into her eyes.

"We'll help you," she promised, a whisper.

But as soon as she released her, Blair saw her opportunity, and, because Chuck had temporarily loosened his hold so she could face Serena, with a burst of her last strength, she ripped herself out of their grasp - with a lack of control and sheer desperation that was absolutely terrifying because it was _Blair_ - and she tried to run away.

She ran straight into Nate's chest, and he stared down at her in fear, because he didn't recognise the girl in front of him.

She would've stumbled backwards, but Chuck was the first and fastest to react, and he caught her.

He picked her up, easily (too light, she was far too light) holding her tight so she couldn't escape this time, and she was limp by the time they got to the nurse.

* * *

**A/N Please let me know what you think of this chapter! Is it too over-dramatic for Blair? I'm basing a lot of this off 'Blair Waldorf Must Pie' - I figured if Harold and Eleanor (who seem kind of oblivious in s1) knew about Blair's ED, something fairly big must have happened. But please review :) And thank you so much for the reviews so far! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for your reviews! And thanks ElodieBCA, yours was definitely constructive. Much appreciated :) So I've tried to make this chapter more realistic - please let me know what you think! **

* * *

Serena went in with Blair, and the boys were instructed to return to class.

"I don't get it," Nate said dully. He turned to Chuck, like he had the answers, because he usually did. "Is she really...?"

So Chuck made himself smile, clap Nate on the shoulder, lead him away for more weed to calm him down.

"It's Blair, Nathaniel. You know what she's like. You know how crazy she is for control."

He pushed his friend outside, towards the waiting Bass limo.

"You know what girls are like. You know, crazy diets."

"But," Nate attempted, confused, "She's not...I mean, she's not fat."

He stared at his best friend, clearly wracking his brain to remember.

"She never has been."

Chuck gave the limo driver instructions to take them to the Palace. Being in Chuck's suite might calm them both down.

"Look, they're taking care of her. She'll be better in no time."

* * *

Blair woke up on starched sheets. The room swam with disorientation, and the fluorescent lights were still above her, which were doing nothing to help.

Her throat was practically glued together, and when she tried to sit up, the room tilted and her body felt like lead.

She let her head fall back against the pillow.

She was in hospital.

She felt the panic clawing up her throat again.

No, this couldn't be happening.

She'd lost it, in front of Serena and Chuck and _Nate. _And then the school nurse. She hadn't heard the phone call to her parents, and she didn't know whether that was a relief or not.

Her mother had picked her up.

Her mother had actually _left _her work, marched her daughter into the waiting car and demanded, once they were safely away from the prying nurse, to know exactly _what_ was going on.

She hadn't waited for an answer, though. She'd referred her straight to the family doctor. Who'd referred her to a specialist. It had moved so far beyond humiliating that Blair had eventually cut herself off from all of it. Let them take charge.

Which, in some ways, had almost been a relief. It had been labelled her '_condition'._

She tried to sit up again, and remembered she had a drip attached to her wrist.

A drip.

She let out a faint whimper.

And then there was a voice.

"Blair-bear?"

And the familiar face of her father came into view, brown eyes crinkling, smiling down at her.

He took her hand, gently, and she squeezed it.

"Daddy," she whispered. "It's not...it's not what it looks like."

Harold smiled again. "It's all right. Sweetheart, it's ok."

"But...I'm fine. Daddy, I'm fine. Really."

"I know," he said, reassuring, brushing her hair off her face. "We'll get you better, ok?"

She nodded.

Better.

Yes, she would get better.

As long as her daddy believed her, then it was fine.

"You should get some sleep, cherie."

She nodded again, closing her eyes. And she let herself drift off once more.


	6. Chapter 6

Eleanor came into the room, eyes lingering too long on her daughter's pale face, tiny in the hospital bed.

"Eleanor," Harold said gently. "Sit down."

But she stayed, tense, pacing.

"How can I?" she hissed. "Harold, look at her!"

Harold remained calm. "They're helping her, darling. She's in the right place."

"But look what's happened to her! I - I can't believe it got this far. I can't believe we didn't _notice_. God knows you see this kind of thing all the time with models. Not with our daughter. Not in your own home."

"Eleanor." His tone was firmer now. "You'll wake her."

"How can you sit there acting like this is _fine_?" she demanded, furious, in a barely contained whisper. "We obviously haven't been _monitoring_ her well enough." She turned on him now, bitter. "If you hadn't-"

"This isn't the time or the place."

He cut her off, warning. Closed subject.

She snorted.

"Eleanor, we have to show a united front."

"Oh, and you think I don't _know_ that?"

"It was a mistake," he said, very softly.

She rolled her eyes. "Of course it was."

He sighed.

"Eleanor-"

"No, you're right. This is not the place. And I don't want to talk about it again. From now on, we work together. Is that clear?"

Harold nodded.

His wife narrowed her eyes at him, and he held out his hand.

She didn't take it, but she did sit down next to him.

"Together," she repeated without looking at him.

* * *

Serena had managed to calm Nate down properly with smiles and hugs, assuring him Blair was just unwell (and getting better), that it wasn't his fault, and that no, there was nothing he could do to help.

Nate wasn't a complete idiot, but he needed it, the reassurance, Serena's bubbling warmth; the promise that it would be fine.

Because he couldn't deal with a situation that he couldn't even begin to comprehend, with vulnerabilities and insecurities so screwed up that they made no sense to him.

Chuck knew that.

'Girl issues', he'd labelled it for his best friend.

"It's just...she's always so together, you know?"

They had been in Chuck's suite for a while, air sweet with weed, and Nate was relaxed enough to let it all out.

"I mean, it's Blair."

Yes, Blair. Blair who always picked up Serena, not the other way round. Who cleaned up after her best friend, held back her hair after a drunken night out, helped get the untameable Serena, twice her height, into bed.

Who covered for all of them, in fact.

Always in control; bossy and commanding.

Too uptight to let anyone see her slip.

Chuck had covered for her, smoothly, the first week at school, with Nate and Serena's help.

Maybe no one liked to be on the floor of a scandal more than Chuck Bass, but no one knew how to cover up that scandal better than Chuck Bass. Apart from Blair Waldorf, of course.

Her parents had contacted the teachers about 'personal reasons', and the school nurse had been effectively paid off.

No one would get wind of this; Blair could, at least, be safe in that knowledge.

And it was the Christmas holidays, now, so school was no longer an issue.

"She's getting better," Chuck assured him calmly, like he knew. He knew what his best friend needed to hear, anyway.

"St. Vincent's have the best facilities in the country."

It was true; the best money could buy.

"And...they'll fix her, right?"

"Of course they will."

Like it was that easy. Chuck Bass was nothing if not a very good liar.

"Drink, Archibald?"

And Nate nodded, reassured.


	7. Chapter 7

"Serena." Eleanor smiled. "Lovely to see you, dear."

Only the tightening of her lips gave away that Eleanor Waldorf was any less than in absolute control.

She was pleased to see Serena, though; the girl always knew what to say.

And her smile now was like a welcome ray of sunshine.

"Is she asleep?"

"No. She's just had dinner."

Eleanor always arrived, punctual to the second, to ensure that her daughter ate. Every last morsel.

"I'm on my way back to the atelier," she sighed. "Some drama with the latest model, and, as usual, Laurel is too incompetent to handle it on her own."

She shook her head in disdain, patting Serena's cheek. "Blair's with her father now, you can go on in. And say hello to your mother for me."

And she was gone.

Serena pushed open the door. Blair was laughing softly at some joke Harold had made, and the sound, though faint, filled Serena with relief.

Blair looked up, eyes lighting up.

"S!"

Serena grinned back, coming round to hug her, careful of the tubes attached.

Blair was definitely looking better. Still too small against the white hospital sheets, but her face had filled out a little more healthily, and her eyes had some of their gleam back.

"Always a pleasure, Serena," Harold smiled warmly. He squeezed his daughter's hand, standing up. "I'll leave you two girls some alone time." He winked, and Serena smiled back, grateful.

Once he had gone, she took his place in the seat next to Blair's bed.

"So, how are you, B?"

Blair half rolled her eyes, smiling slightly.

"I'm fine, Serena."

The other girl just looked at her.

Blair's face softened as she relented, just a little, under her gaze.

"Honestly," she promised, more quietly. "I've been eating. Three meals a day, under my mother's watchful eye." She rolled her eyes again, and Serena couldn't resist a faint grin back.

"And therapy's going well?"

"I actually kind of like Dr. Sherman," Blair admitted.

Serena laughed. "You don't have to sound so surprised!"

"Well."

They grinned at each other again.

"Anyway, I have good news." Blair's eyes shone. "If I reach my..._target_ - I should be able to come home." She took an excited breath. "Next week."

"B, that's great!" Serena squealed, throwing her arms around her.

"Yeah," Blair agreed. "I'm getting pretty sick of this cheap disinfectant smell."

Serena laughed again.

"Anyway, someone needs to keep an eye on you." Blair raised an eyebrow. "I haven't had access to Gossip Girl. Do I want to?"

It was Serena's turn to roll her eyes.

"Half of it's untrue, anyway."

Blair squeezed her hand.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

Serena looked at her in surprise.

"For...you know."

Serena just hugged her, squeezing her best friend tight.

"Just promise me you'll tell me if...if anything happens again." Blair opened her mouth to protest, but Serena cut her off. "Just in case." She looked down at her. "I mean it, B. I'm your best friend. I'm here for you. You can _always_ come to me."

Blair smiled, swallowing back the lump that had formed in her throat.

She hugged Serena, holding on to her in sheer relief. Because Serena made her strong.

"I know," she whispered. "But it won't happen again. I promise." She looked up at her, serious. "I never want to go back to this again."

Serena nodded.

"Good. But I'm still here." She brushed her hair. "I love you, B."

Blair breathed out, relaxing in her best friend's arms. "I love you too, S."


	8. Chapter 8

Serena went up to Chuck's suite, where she knew the two boys would be.

"Serena!" Nate, as ever, was delighted to see her.

She laughed and dropped onto the sofa next to him.

"So, I have good news." She looked between both of them. "Blair's coming home!"

Nate blinked, relieved. "She's better?"

Serena smiled. "Yeah."

Chuck studied her face intently. She believed it.

"So, I think this calls for celebration," she beamed, and Nate laughed in agreement.

Chuck hid a grin; any excuse for a party.

* * *

"Waldorf."

Chuck smirked, taking her in. Her brighter eyes and fuller face and smile, uniform immaculate, headband in place.

Not fixed, but better.

"Good to have you back," he grinned, bowing his head mockingly.

And her smirk caught his, a real one.

"Good to be back," she answered sweetly.

The look they exchanged was genuine, though.

"Now." Her tone was straight to business, and Chuck suppressed another grin, because it _was_ good to have her back.

"I hear we have a Sparks problem." Her eyes narrowed. "I need details..."

* * *

**Thank you again for your lovely reviews! I'm sorry this final chapter is so short...and I couldn't resist ending on CB :) **


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